Can't Sleep
by gloryblastit
Summary: Johnny has a sleepless night at the church and he thinks about all the trouble they're in.


Ponyboy was sleeping but I was having trouble. It sure was cold here, like Dally said it would be. I shivered in my jean jacket. I could hear Pony's breathing, and I could hear owls and shit outside. They sounded creepy. You never heard nothing like that in the city, and besides now I never been out of the city. I was used to hearing cars and sirens and stuff like that. This was too quiet.

That wasn't why I couldn't sleep, though it wasn't helping. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about that kid I killed, that soc. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his body lying in all the blood by the fountain. If I hadn't killed him then they would have killed Ponyboy, I knew they would have, and then they might have killed me. Did that make it okay, what I did? I didn't know.

I moved a little, getting closer to Pony cause I was so cold. I could see my breath. I killed that kid, and I knew he was the one with the rings that beat me up that time. It was all the same guys so I knew, I mean, I knew what they could do. They almost killed me that other time.

I just didn't know how we were going to get out of this. The thought of the cops coming after us was awful. I hated cops, man, just hated them. They weren't ever fair to us, us greasers got blamed for everything. I'd seen the cops beat up people just as much as socs did. I knew I wouldn't get a fair deal once they got me, and I knew they'd get me sooner or later. And I never should have brought Ponyboy with me, he was just a little kid, really. He was only 13. He shouldn't be involved in this. I shoulda made him go home, since Darry and Soda were so worried. It wasn't like anyone was worried about me.

I just didn't know what to do. We couldn't stay here forever, and it was cold now and it was just gonna get colder. I'd have to send Pony home pretty soon and then what? Maybe Dal could find me someplace else to go, and I'd be running and hiding for the rest of my life. But I guess that was better than the electric chair.

I sighed and leaned back against the church wall, and felt Ponyboy kind of snuggle against me. He was a little warmer in Dally's leather jacket. That was okay. I could be cold. I should be. I should suffer since I killed someone. Even my old man had never done nothing like that.

Maybe I could go somewhere else and just become someone else, change my name and everything about me. I wouldn't be considered the pet or everyone's kid brother anymore. I wouldn't be ignored or beat by my parents. The only one I'd ever see was Dal and that would be fine, I guess. I mean, sure, I'd miss the other guys. But what could I do? Turn myself in? Get screwed over by the cops?

I wasn't going to sleep tonight, I could tell. I didn't sleep so well anyway. Plenty of nights I'd be up, unable to sleep, unable to relax. Lots of times at my house my folks would be fighting and I couldn't get to sleep, or I'd be out in the lot shivering and awake.

I wished I'd never killed that kid. I shouldn't have done that. I couldn't believe I did that, anyway. In the train car I was holding onto the gun Dal had given us and I told Ponyboy I didn't know why he gave it to me, I could never shoot no one. But I could stab them to death. Maybe I deserved for the cops to get me and work me over like I seen them do to Dal, and maybe I deserved to be in a cold jail cell until they stuck me in the electric chair. Maybe I deserved all that. I didn't know. I didn't know anything anymore.

I wished I could sleep, because I sure was tired. I yawned, and felt Pony's head on my shoulder, and I could see the faint light in the sky now. I'd never noticed all kinds of clouds and colors and all that, but Pony did and he always mentioned it to me if we were alone. He said a lot more to me than to the other guys, but everyone did. It was because I was so quiet, and I never made fun of them or nothing. I knew how Two-bit was really mad that his father left them and felt kind of guilty for not helping his mom out more, but he felt like he was too lazy and didn't care enough to help. I knew how Steve really hated his father more than he loved him, and how he'd punched him right in the mouth one time, and how him and his father never talk about that. I knew how Soda thought Sandy might be cheating on him but he just loved her so much he ignored it, he kind of ignored it even in his own head. I knew how Dally liked to hurt girls by saying mean stuff to them and hitting them sometimes, and how he could be real nice to them but he just wasn't. And I knew how surprised Dally was that girls he treated like that kept coming back to him. I never talked to Darry all that much, but he did say once that he thought he'd never get to college because each day he was more tired than the last and he had no energy for anything anymore, he barely had the energy to survive.

I watched the sky light up and the birds start to chirp and sing, and Ponyboy stirred next to me and sat up, blinking like he didn't know where he was.

"Johnny?" he said, sounding kind of scared, "you awake?"

"Yeah," I said, but I never felt so tired in my life.


End file.
